Australian Ignorance – What a load of CRAP!

By DJ Mojo Jojo

This is my first post on Dona Victorina...

To be honest, I've been a lurker of the blog for the longest time and have talked about many of the topics posted in the forums on my Manila morning radio program with Mo Twister and Grace Lee (Good Times on Magic 89.9 http://www.magic899.fm/).

This time, instead of borrowing content from Dona Victorina, I just had to share a bit of news with the blog and post it here as it really got my goat.
In a news item discussed by Mo on our show, I was appalled to learn how ignorant some people can be.

In Australia, an OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) was fired from his job for not using toilet paper. (For those of you who may not be familiar, many Filipinos use water to clean themselves after using the toilet... google the word “tabo” and you'll know what I'm talking about.) I'm sure this is a common practice in other countries as well, but from a Western viewpoint the idea may seem all too unfamiliar to say the least. However uncommon as it may seem to some... having a "tabo" taboo would just be plain ridiculous to many others!

Below I've pasted the original story where we got this news item and the details of the incident are discussed there fully.

Now I'm not making generalizations here and saying that people from Australia (or any other nation in its entirety for that matter are totally ignorant)... the Australian boss(es) responsible for firing the OFW is the ignoramus I would like to call out.

It's not a first world vs third world issue. It's not a race vs race issue. What it is is a toilet paper vs “TABO” issue!

Not too long ago, some ignorant people in Canada found it inappropriate for children to eat with a spoon and fork (which is a Filipino custom) as opposed to the “traditional” knife and fork method. Now, in the Land Down Under there are even more ignorant people telling others what people should and should not use to clean their asses?!

What is this world coming to?

No matter what country you're in, can't we all just get along and stop the closed-mindedness that is so surprisingly prevalent in this world? Or in other words: “Please cut the CRAP and let us get on with our lives by acknowledging that YES there are others who are different from me, and YES there is more than just one way to get the same things done."

Toilet Paper or Tabo ... as long as you take care of your personal hygiene, that's fine by me!

* * * * * * *

Amador Bernabe fired for 'un-Australian toilet habits'

A MAN who uses water instead of toilet paper says he was sacked for his "un-Australian" toilet habits.

Amador Bernabe, 43, is a machine operator in Townsville on a working visa from the Philippines, the Townsville Bulletin reports.

On Thursday, he claims his foreman followed him into the bathrooms questioning his toilet hygiene.

Mr Bernabe said his employer, Townsville Engineering Industries (TEI), sacked him yesterday for not going to the toilet the Australian way.

"I went to go to the toilet and I took a bottle of water when my foreman saw me and he said, 'you can't bring the water in there'," Mr Bernabe said.

The foreman followed Mr Bernabe into the toilet despite his protests.

"I said it's my personal hygiene. I didn't break any law, I didn't break any rules of the company, why can't I do this, and he said he would report me to the manager.

The next day, Mr Bernabe says he was called into the manager's office.

"He asked me what had happened and I explained to him and he said if I didn't follow the Australian way I would be immediately terminated and I said 'sir, then you better terminate me'."

The move has angered union bosses and politicians on the Australia Day weekend.
Australian Manufacturing Worker's Union state organiser Rick Finch said the incident was shocking.

"I think it is atrocious, an invasion of a person's rights and cultural beliefs," he said.
"If it wasn't so disgusting it would almost be laughable."

Greens spokeswoman Jenny Stirling praised Mr Bernabe for standing up for his rights.

"I commend the man for standing up for himself and I encourage the employer to have further talks with the union and the employee and I am sure commonsense will prevail," she said.

"I would like to see how Australians feel when they go to Europe where in places they don't have toilet paper."

TEI could not be reached for comment.

An "ecstatic" Lifestyle of Media

Amiel Aguilar Cabanlig

For more than a decade, print media has done great disservice by bombarding the youth with iniquitous mantras that may have contributed to the new drug culture. Let me tell you straight up, words written in print are potent. And words like, “partying guiltless... Smart Addict (endorsed by Tim Yap, Borgy Manotoc etc) ... party animal... party till you drop... prince of partydom.... and pop those pills” will sooner or later take their toll on today's young people. Just last month the Philippine Daily Inquirer’s lifestyle section displayed high-profile paparazzi shots of the “Alabang Boys” partying in Club Warehouse. Examples like these via PRINT MEDIA has greatly shaped the “drug culture” of the youth.

A 2004 Dangerous Drugs Board survey found 6.7 million drug users in the country.

A few months ago anti-narcotics agents and their K-9 units checked every corner of the Embassy bar. Drug-sniffing dogs were also placed at the club entrance. A special agent, who I knew, also showed me new types of ecstasy available in the market. The “PDEA” according to him, is “dead serious” about the rising drug problem in BARS. The Embassy gained “notoriety” after a series of squabbles and scandals involving socialites and well-known personalities took place within the bar's premises. Print and television have also been monitoring the bars activities. Ever since the "Gucci Gang" fiasco exploded, "people have become more aware" according to one of the club's regulars.

Richard Brodett, Jorge Joseph and Joseph Tecson are the highest profile drug suspects to be arrested by the PDEA after a season in which a number of drug lords, got away thanks to some influential politicians. The drug entrapment took place inside snooty Ayala Alabang Village. A PDEA agent was attempting to buy drugs from Joseph who was allegedly assisted by Brodett- but sensing the setup tried to speed away. PDEA agents gave chase, firing about seven shots but miraculously Brodett ducked the bullets.

Tony Lopez of the Manila Times says “The boys are said to be scions of influential, if not hugely wealthy parents, relatives and backers. A parent of one of the Alabang suspects is supposed to be behind a lucrative government contract having to do with running (not of humans).” Drug Czar Gen. Dionisio Santiago says, “These boys have been described as salot [curse] by families of their victims.” Santiago also hints at possible links of the boys to international drug syndicates. The father of one of the boys, Johnny Joseph, Johnny Midnight, has gone on a media offensive. His son, he admits, “is a social user but not an addict. It’s no big deal.” To which General Santiago counters: “If I kill someone, can I say that I am just a social murderer?”

Dionisio Santiago has a 37-year military career and is a former chief of staff of the Armed Forces of the Philippines and director of the National Penitentiary. Santiago is known to be stubborn, which is often how he gets things done. When Gloria Arroyo named him PDEA chief in April 2006, her instructions to Santiago were: “Get back to work.”

Let us support PDEA!

A FESTiVAL OF IMPRESSIVE MOVIE (TITLES)

(We ask Andro Ramirez to review the Metro Manila Film Festival 2008. Aside from one or two surprises, he found everything predictable (translate: ho hum), but he found the titles politically appropriate.)


by Andro Ramirez
Head writer: Media Advocacy

(A warning: This is not a detailed film review of the entries. I am a self-confessed movie junkie like my friend JC Bishop who is now based in the U.S. But unlike him, whose taste is mostly Philippine and American made movies, I include European, Bollywood, and other Asian fares as part of my interests. It was our tradition when he was still here to literally spend the rest of the MMFF week to watch all entries and debate on them after. This year however, I am by my lonesome.)

The 2008 MMFF started off and ended without any of the controversies it faced in previous years, when problems and setbacks started from the selection process to the end of the awarding ceremonies, a “tradition” in itself in the festival’s 34 year history. Most notorious of these is the 1994 MMFF “take it, take it”, envelope switching during the awards night involving Viveka Babajee and Rocky Gutierrez, as masterminded by Lolit Solis.


This year’s MMFF scores a first with DAYO, the first full-length digital in its official list of entries. It’s not that polished but enjoyable nonetheless. Not to mention Lea Salonga’s poignant rendition of the movie’s theme song Lipad. Sadly, it failed to take flight -- earning only P 4.1M gross as of January 2, 2009 against its touted $1.3M budget. At least it did not come in last; Magkaibigan earned only P 1.6 M despite having big stars.




Here is the official list of MMFF 2008 Box Office Gross as of January 2, 2009

1. Ang Tanging Ina N’yong Lahat - 102.5M
2. Iskul Bukol… 20 Years After - 72.6M
3. Shake Rattle and Roll X - 45.7M
4. Desperadas 2 - 27.3M
5. Baler - 24.5M
6. One Night Only - 5.7M
7. Dayo - 4.1M
8. Magkaibigan - 1.6M

(Source: National Cinema Association of the Philippines)

No surprise Ang Tanging Ina N’yong Lahat earned the highest gross since the original version was highly enjoyable: playing on the misadventures of Ina Montecillo (Ai-Ai de las Alas), her children, and Rowena (Eugene Domingo) and incorporating famous lines from other movies in a comical fashion, which surprisingly works although it is an overly used formula. Was it coincidental or intentional that the writers of the film chose to play with the political angle this time around? Funny, but to borrow Professional Heckler’s tagline: The problem with political jokes is they get elected. How very true. If this is real life, I can’t blame Mar Roxas for his cuss in that Ayala rally which sounded like this movie title. Now that the movie is a box office hit, will there be a part 2 of that episode?

It is not also surprising that the biggest earners this year, as in the previous, are comedy films. People are already fed up with the harsh realities affecting each and everyone on a daily basis. They need a release of tension in spite of the P120 to P150 price of admission.

If I can have my way, I would gladly Shake, Rattle and Roll all erring member of the three branches of our government ten times so that they will wake up to the reality that they are not the only Filipinos in the Philippines. Most of us are out here suffering while they are there protecting their own interests and a barangay of thieves and liars.

More than 20 Years After the first people power revolution, Wanbol University is run better than our government. This early, allies of the palace by the polluted river are contemplating which would be suitable for them --- a con-con or a con-ass. Ang Tanging Ina N’yong Lahat indeed. Let it rest will you. Some of these politicians sure are Iskulled but what do they dish out on us? Nothing but Bukol. Which leaves us all being Desperados and Desperadas, and as Susan Roces puts it: Not once but twice.

The Philippine political scene is really in a mess and only those who are Magkaibigan benefit from the country’s coffers. Frightening that these same people will want to get their way on the threat of reciting their line of “Kilala mo ba ako?” The only amiable personality I know who recited that line is the late Lourdes Carvajal aka Inday Badiday. Not even the Diyosa of Baler with her first acting trophy will save you from being mauled in a plush golf course by a father and son tandem. It doesn’t matter if they are Dayo’s in Luzon from their native Mindanao. The thing is they are considered as Demigods in their province of origin. I say, go back home and stay there. All I ask from God at this point is for the Philippines to have a moral awakening starting this 2009. One Night Only is all I ask for all to realize that we are all part of one machine. It is about the right time to discard all those malfunctioning parts for it to continue working.

Who knows, if we are successful in our overhaul, next year’s MMFF might feature more realistic and truly artsy films that will not only sell commercially, but also add to a level of consciousness that may make us think and re-think a better future for us all.

The Readers' Choice

Ms. Christy Fermin

by Rain B.

She looked at the camera with teary eyes, stroked the trophy with tenderness and thanked ABS-CBN,”ang estasyon na may haplos ng pagmamahal. Kahit ano pa gagawin ko, naririyan sila palagi”. That was more than five years ago. This year, the network knew Ms. Fermin has crossed the line, and changed the haplos into a slap.

She was never a darling to the masses, but she earned the people’s wrath when she dragged into the mess an innocent child. That was not just below the belt; it was an assault into our collective guts.

Bloggers, inventive as ever, resorted to name-calling: The Vermint, the Mrs. Shrek among others. And when news of her suspension was released, the blog world declared it a national holiday.

Blog posters, including Victorina’s readers who are never shy about their true feelings, released a barrage of comments and jokes that would have destroyed lesser beings. But Ms. Fermin is made of tougher hide, words couldn’t dismantle her.

Amiel sent 100 peso worth of prepaid load to me because I took his challenge of defending Ms. Fermin. I just thought the suspension was a fair punishment, because those shows were her bloodline. We can gloat once, but to do it repeatedly makes us look like a lynch mob calling for more blood after the beheading.

But Ms. Fermin was never apologetic, only defensive. Perhaps that’s a character she shares with GMA. Both women come up with alibis and excuses, and portray themselves as victims or survivors. They still believe that history will judge them kindly in the future, or they hope that like the fate of Imelda, people will simply forget what they have done.

Because she is Christy Fermin, she will be back, but hopefully wiser. She knows that her days of “getting away with it” are over because the blog world is like a big brother watching her every move.

So, because she made the blog world alive with her scandals that shook our intestines, our readers chose her the Victorina Icon 2008. I hope she will not run for the senate.

A Charitable Christmas

by: amiel aguilar cabanlig

"And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing." King James

The holidays are known as a time for giving and with Christmas fast approaching, checking your lists and checking them twice can be a harrowing ordeal. Good deeds seem to pour in as we each reflect on the past year and try to make amends or set a good example for the year to come.

While most of these good deeds are indeed “good” - borne out of a genuine want to spread the Yuletide cheer – let us not be fooled by opportunistic gift-givers with ulterior motives!

For some, “CHARITY” seems to be more of a trend of the season rather than a means of sharing goodwill. Take for example certain figures of society that rant and rave about their charitable acts and have them immortalized in magazines, newspapers and whatever media they can get their fingers into.

(I remember here the textbook definition of PR. The gist behind public relations is to do good and make sure other people know about it!)

Depending on who you ask, the word "charity" has a diverse set of meanings. For a privileged many, the true essence of the word has been utterly corrupted and tarnished by their egotistical desires to merely look good for the masses.

Sure they may mingle with the common-folk, visit sick kids in the hospital, or even give food out the hungry... but are their hearts really in it? Or are these “personalities” merely being “charitable” during the holidays, when so many eyes are on them and wanting for a story or feature of how generous they can be when they want to?

Let me assure you that these publicized “charitable acts” do not warrant the forgiveness of their past sins.

The prophet Matthew talks about charity unequivocally in his book in the BIBLE;

“Take care! Don’t do your good deeds publicly, to be admired, because then you will loose your reward from your Father in heaven.

When you give a gift to someone in need, don’t shout about it as hypocrites do- blowing trumpets in the streets to call attention to their acts of charity…

BUT when you give to someone, don’t tell your left hand what your right hand is doing. GIVE YOUR GIFTS in SECRET, and your Father, who knows all secrets will reward you.”

WANTED: FILIPINO HERO!

I find myself lucky to have witnessed the glorious career of someone who could very well be the greatest Filipino boxer of all time- Manny Pacquiao. Our super champ is currently being pitted against some of the top names in boxing. Sure to bless Mannny are over $20 million paydays against Floyd Mayweather Jr. (I would love to see Mayweather, the once pound-for-pound best vs. the incumbent pound-for pound pinoy pugilist, Pacquiao) or the lethal Ricky Hatton.

photo- (President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo arrives at Sarangani Capitol Park in Alabel, Sarangani Province where she addressed the Region XII Cooperatives Summit and distributed land titles to 350 landless farmers and fortified rice to school pupils Thursday .With her are Department of Environment and Natural Resources (DENR) Secretary Lito Atienza, Dep. National Security Adviser Luis Singson, Filipino boxing idol Manny Pacquiao.)

Pacman is on his way to becoming a Filipino legend and should do away with the “trapos” that hound him. He should realize that being seen gallivanting with “damaged goods” like Eddie Gutierrez and Annabelle Rama, Chavit Singson, FG and their ilk would just disparage our representation of a true “people’s champ!”

Manny Pacquiao indeed wears the Philippine colors proudly after his great victory!

I therefore implore the Pacman to stick to doing what he does best- BOXING. Call a halt those who trying to convince you to enter the political ring or use you for their own political schemes. Bear in mind that these “cling-ons” are up to no good and are using your accomplishments to enhance a political environment obsessed with the idea of an unbeatable candidate, regardless of the consequences to our country!

Manny, the boxing ring is your arena… leave the political ring to those opportunistic others.

By:Rain Barnido
______________________________

For those of you who are still high from the euphoria of yet another Pacquiao victory, this post might be a downer , so stop reading.

This article does not hope to suffer the fate of Amado Picardal – biker, academician, theologian and online pundit – who had to brave a barrage of curses and death threats just because he posted that he did not consider Manny P as a hero at all.

Among other things, Picardal counteracted the traditional media (Yes, I am talking to you Korina Sanchez and everyone else in network TV and national dailies) whose portrayal of Manny is ostensibly close to hero worship. “Speaking of heroes, we are the only country who considers our boxing champions as heroes. Muhammad Ali, the black heavyweight champion, was never considered a hero in the US, rather it was Martin Luther King, the civil rights leader,” he said.

“Heroes are not just objects of admiration, they are role models. I wouldn't want our little boys to grow up thinking they can become heroes by using their fists and beating up other boys,” added Picardal.

All right, he has some point there. We will not go, though, as far as proclaiming that boxing is a violent sport, because that would open up a whole discussion on what sport is gentle and what isn’t.

But it is best to explore why almost everyone – from the President to the sidewalk vendor; from Kris Aquino to her look-alike Madame Auring; from politicians to the barber shop pundits – hails Manny Pacquiao as a hero worth emulating.

For the record, I do not consider Manny Paquiao as a hero, at all. And that is largely because I have my own ideals of what heroism should be. Manny Paquiao is a national pride; he is an exquisite boxer whose ring exploits put the Philippines on the sports map at least twice a year, whose bouts allow the global exposure of a Filipino artist who gets to sing the National Anthem; and whose entourage oftentimes includes such faces as the First Gentleman and Chavit Singson.

(When Tony Blair cheered on David Beckham, he looked like an ordinary fan. When Miguel Arroyo sat on the ringside for Manny, the FG looked like Pontius Pilate.)

When Manny P returns he will be appointed Ambassador of Peace because he apparently he is the best boxer in the world pound for pound - a sign of the country’s gift for irony or sick sense of humor, considering that Manny earns his adulation in a sport that is far from being peaceful. Why don’t we just make him Ambassador to the Court of St. James, or better yet, open a new position and make him Secretary of State? (Manny, this is not an attack on your diplomatic sensibilities; this is a scrutiny on the capacity of PGMA to make relevant decisions.)

Manny is even considered a cabinet-secretary –level-responsibility, at least according to DENR Secretary Lito Atienza who, when faced with a threat of penalty for being absent at the budget hearing, said, “I consider it as a responsibility (to be with Manny in Las Vegas). Manny was facing the most important fight in his career and of course, my worry was what will happen to our country if Manny loses.”

Indeed, what will really happen to our country if Manny lost the fight?

a. Do we die of hopelessness because Manny is a symbol of hope, as PGMA often says?

b. Do we give up on dreaming because Manny is a testament that Filipinos CAN?

c. Do we fight against each other because Manny is the symbol of national unity?

d. Do we lose trust in ourselves as a people?

I don’t know about you and the rest of the Filipinos. But as for me, if Manny lost that fight, I would have finished reading Jay McInerney, consumed two bottles of Red Horse, posted some comments on Victorina, and prepared a list of people who will receive my book as Christmas gift. Wait, those are the things I did when Manny won! Right.

I will not use any profanity now because my young nephew is starting to read Victorina because of Uncle Rain. So, I will just say that Manny’s loss will not affect my life and the state of the country’s natural resources, climate changes, national security, cultural identity and economic situation.

Now, if Manny will come home and use his leverage to create long lasting peace in General Santos, that would be heroic. Or he offers all his winnings to feed the hungry, that would be nice too but foolish.

In a country so desperate for a heroic symbol that it assigns that role to such names like Flor Contemplacion, Jun Lozada, Charisse Pampengco, and, heaven forbid, Manny Villar, the choice of Manny seems logical. But until his strength, dedication and love for country are proven outside the ring, Manny P will remain for the time being a celebrated athlete and a global sports icon, whose story captures the imagination of the people. If he inspires the young ones to become boxers, he is a worthy sports idol.

But a hero?

Not yet.

Pepe Don't Preach

(rain)

Pepe Diokno exposes the plight of college-level debaters in this Supreme investigative report. This column is a news parody. Its stories are not fact-checked. Its author is not a journalist. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

DUDE!

PLEASE MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

IS IT AN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT OR A NEWS PARODY?

I REALLY HOPE THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE TIM, OR I WILL BE VERY DISAPPOINTED, BECAUSE AFTER ALL, THE ESTEEMED PHRASE "EDITOR AND CREATIVE DIRECTOR" IS ATTACHED TO YOUR NAME LIKE A GLITTERING ACCESS .

1. Cable news channel ANC has stumbled on an interesting demographic: Freakishly aware college-level debaters. For months, they aired the show "Square Off," in which representatives from different universities argue on the merits of different issues.

SO FAR, TIMID AND SHY, NEITHER INVESTIGATIVE NOR A PARODY.

2. Today, they air "Frankahan: The Drilon Debates," a show wherein representatives from different universities prove that former senate president Frank Drilon does indeed look like George Lucas. The show is captivating.

NOTE TO THE COPY EDITOR: AVOID USING THE NOUN PHRASE "REPRESENTATIVE FROM DIFFERENT UNIVERSITIES" IN EVERY FRIGGIN PARAGRAPH. IT'S JUST PLAIN LAZINESS.

3. I guess it's big media's way of saying, "Aww, the youth a re involved." It has, after all, been statistically proven that in all newsrooms is soft-spot for twenty-somethings who are capable of talking about issues.

GRAMMAR IS AWEFUL. LOGIC IS TWISTED. HUMOR IS FLAT.

4. But, let's just be honest. Does anybody really watch this crap?Okay, I admit, I have. Or, I have at least tried to. You know, in between watching Net 25's genius cooking program, "Spoon." But here's the thing with ANC: You can never really understand what anybody on that channel says.

THE RANTING CAN BE FORGIVEN. THE PROMOTION OF SPOON STINKS LIKE AN EX-DEAL. THE SUDDEN ATTACK ON ANC IS NOT AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED A HYPERBOLE, EVEN IT PRETENDS TO BE ONE. IT IS SIMPLY ASIGN OF DISRESPECT TO COLLEAGUES IN THE INDUSTRY. IT IS NOT MALICIOUS, IT IS JUST SELF-IMPORTANT IMMATURITY.

5. I mean, they have politicians, who all speak like they're about todie. (Like, "I, ahh… did, ahh… not, ahh… vote for Cha-Cha.")

INSENSITIVE TO THE FEELINGS OF THOSE WHO ARE ABOUT TO DIE. TIM, DO NOTALLOW YOUR CHIEF TO MAKE A PARODY OF DEATH IF HE CAN'T DELIVER ITEFFECTIVELY.

6. Their anchors ask the most inane questions. (Like, "So what you're saying is you did not vote for Cha-Cha?" To which the interviewee answers, "Honestly? The sound bite you're looking for is a 'yes'?")

DESPERATE FOR HUMOR, YOUR CHIEF RESORTS TO EXAGERRATION WHICH FALLSFLAT BECAUSE EXAGERRATION AS A LITERARY DEVICE WORKS BEST IF PEGGED ONTRUTH.

7. And then there are the freakishly aware college-level debaters, who— and I am not kidding when I say this — all speak like they need totake a really, really, really big piss.

OF COURSE YOU ARE KIDDING.

8."Misterspeaker,Misterchair,Membersofthishouse,Iamsayingthatsimplythemanshouldhavevotedforchaha!"And imagine how they fidget as they try to cram 1,000 words into aminute.

DUDE, TELL MR. DIOKNO THAT HE NEEDS TO DEVELOP HIS ORAL COMPREHENSION. PEOPLE WITH SLOW COMPREHENSION FIND IT HARD TO UNDERSTAND FAST-TALK.

9. Everything just makes you want to avoid the station. Unless, say,Ces Drilon finds herself holed up in some hotel again. But here's ouronly 24-hour cable news channel, and it's supposed to be indicative ofthe level of discourse we have in this country.

NOW, THIS ONE IS SIMPLY VICIOUS. COME ON TIM, APOLOGIZE REAL QUICK.

10. And, bleh.

DITTO.

11. I mean, it's baffling to me how, despite this being a communication-driven generation, ANC manages to pick the most communication-challenged young people ever for their debates.

THIS IS BEYOND VICIOUSNESS, THIS ONE REEKS LIBEL AS IT POTENTIALLY DAMAGES THE CAREERS OF YOUNG PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ACTUALLY PUBLIC FIGURES.

12. Like, I can barely make out what it is the debaters talk about —let alone stand them for two seconds. It's as if they're trying tomake up for all the years old people spoke slow. Or, maybe the debates are the only chance these geeks get to even talk at all.

IT IS A DIRECT ATTACK ON OLD PEOPLE. TIM, ADD A GEIST TO YOUR LIST OF DISCRIMINATORY QUALITIES. GRAMMAR SUCKS. HUMOR DEAD.

13. Or, hmm… I think we've just stumbled on the ancient jungle sickness, Permanent Impaired Speech Syndrome (PISS), which is sort of like epilepsy, but only for the mouth.

INSENSITIVE TO THOSE WHO ARE SUFFERING FROM EPILEPSY. TIM, DON'T ALLOW YOUR WRITERS TO USE PHYSICAL DISEASES AS PEGS FOR PARODY, NO MATTER HOW TEMPTING IT IS.

14. Readers, I think we're onto something.

YES, WE ARE. WE FINALLY SEETHE LIGHT: SUPREME S..k.!

15. Permanent Impaired Speech Syndrome NICE ATTEMPT TO BE FUNNY!

16. To get to the bottom of this issue, I sat down with master debater Patricia (not her real name), who refused to be identified because of the stigma attached to her condition. "Mister speaker, mister chair,members of this house," she told me — even though I was the onlyperson in the room. "Imagine how hard it is to order a burger, talking like this? I can't help but ask for points of information!" She thenentered into a trance and started chanting the words, "Hear! Hear!"AndPatricia is just one example. We have received information from allover the country, detailing a wave of debater-related incidents.Schools are reporting a record number of broken tables — tables whichhave been pounded to death by debate teams. Houses decry themisinterpretation they suffer at the hands of debate organizers. "We don't believe in anything!" said the Biggest Association of Houses (BAH) in a statement recently.

17. And the Speakers and Chairs Union of Manila (SCUM), asks that they stop being called "Mister," as they are obviously asexual.

OH GEEZZ. THIS IS THE MOST UNDERSTATED ATTEMPT AT HOMOPHOBIA.

18. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed PISS. And something must bedone about it.

YES. STOP LAUGHING AT YOUR OWN JOKE.

19. The Search for a Cure. For this, I spoke to champion debater Lex Ledesma, who runs top entrepreneurship institution, The One School —and, coincidentally, judges ANC's debates."Everyone is under the wrongimpression that quantity is better than quality," he told me. "Plus,many are poorly mimicking top international debaters who talk reallyfast." Lex calls this the "machine gun method," which, to myunderstanding, may or may not refer to the spit debaters hurl as theyorate. "With the speed, no arguments get developed fully because itbecomes a contest of how many arguments one can raise," says Lex. "My prayer is that all these guys and gals decrease the number of wordsthey speak per minute by half!" he continues. But his prayers aren't working. POOR LEX. HE ALLOWED HIMSELF TO BE USED TO JUSTIFY A LAME ARGUMENT.

20. What can be done. For now, a cure is out of sight for our debater,Patricia. She now spends her off-days in a recluse debater colony,where she and other PISS-afflicted kids argue on the mutual exclusivity of Barack Obama's foreign policy vis-a-vis the outsourcing industry in the Philippines. The sad part: Even these debaters can't understand one another.

YOU KNOW WHAT IS SADDER? THAT YOU GET PAID FOR WRITING CRAPS.

21. But readers, we face the danger of PISS spreading itself to thegeneral population. Imagine if toddlers accidentally find themselveswatching ANC and think to themselves, "I wanna be a debater when Igrow up!" Imagine if one person finds himself watching ANC and thinks, "Wow, this is how intellectual discussions take place!" This is wrong!

YES, YOU ARE WRONG.

22. I mean, if we all spoke like debaters, then we'd all sound really,really crazy. Or, really, really dumb and vapid. Or, we'd just soundlike we're always a second away from peeing our pants. The fact of thematter is, debaters aren't poster children for the youth. They are victims. And they must be helped if our society aims to progress. Butwhile the world searches for a cure for PISS, there is sadly nothingwe can do but navigate away from ANC.

23. Unless, of course, Ces Drilon finds herself holed up in some hotel again.

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN WE ARE ALLOWED TO LAUGH AT THE TRAGEDY OF OTHERS. BUT YOUR DELIVERY SIMPLY IS INDECENT. TIM, BE A MAN. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. HIS APOLOGIES MAY APPEASE THE VICTIMS OF HIS WRITING, BUT IT CAN'T ELIMINATE THE FACT THAT HE LACKS TASTE AND DISCERNMENT.